Recently I was reminded of a time when I was surrounded by people that disliked me for no fault of my own; it was transferred aggression that I had to take on day in and out for roughly a year. What didn’t they do or say? From accusing me of buying my admission to checking the scoreboard ahead of me and saying “so she has a brain”, to outright dirty looks on the corridor; I’ve suffered in this life lol. It’s only when you look back that you realize you’re stronger than you think, I’m sure the Elizabeth back then couldn’t ever imagine that I’d ever speak to those people, let alone be friends with them, but here we are.
So let me tell you guys what I did to get through it – I pressed all the annoyance and frustration into a little place deep down and told myself it didn’t bother me. I bombarded myself with activities around the campus that had other circles of people; volleyball, basketball, football, choir, politics, event management – all at once! I was literally always busy and I forced myself to find a balance because I couldn’t let my grades slip, if not for anything else it was so those commenters wouldn’t have been given ammunition to shoot me with from my very own hands. It wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with it, but in the process I learnt a whole lot about time management, made wonderful lifelong friends and gained a ton of new skills – but the pain was still there as I never addressed it, I chose to repress it, thinking it would eventually disappear, how I was wrong.
Then the outbursts began. Yup, the smiley and always cheerful Liz suddenly started having random bursts of intense sadness that would force me to excuse myself to go and cry privately. When I say cry, I mean I would literally weep as though mourning a loved one, and whenever I tried to think of why I was crying, I’d just cry even harder out of being frustrated for not having a reason for the situation I was in. I couldn’t make sense of it and that in itself, made me extremely upset. By the way, these outbursts didn’t respect whether I was in a meeting with partners, or planning committees, once it was time, I just had to go or risk having people ask the dreaded “what’s wrong?” And I wouldn’t have an answer; because I genuinely didn’t know.
This went on for almost 3 years; over time I learnt to manage it and took it as my cross to bear; I figured everyone had a flaw and this was mine, I was this internally sad person that didn’t have a reason for it.
Then one of those days came by again and it was just after a really beautiful time with God so I was like “Why God?” I hadn’t asked Him before because I thought it was just a problem I had to deal with alone (silly thought, I can see that now in retrospect, but at the time it looked like a valid reason not to pray about it, for whatever reason) and then my mom called. Normally I wouldn’t take calls in that mode because, well, no explanation, plus who wants a sad daughter, but that time I felt like I should and so I spilled the beans. Long story short, God had sent her to me that day, and as I sat in the field (my private cry area) I finally spoke to God about everything. It was then and only then that I realized that all my repressed emotions that I thought were gone, were the cause of these outbursts.
See, my mind was blown. The number of outbursts where I’d racked my brain looking for the cause of these tears are countless. But in one encounter with God, I was free.
I’m glad to state that I’ve been outburst free for 2 years now and I have my Father in Heaven to thank for that. He filled me with genuine joy and even though I’ve gone through dark storms in this period, He’s maintained the joy through it all.
Moral of the story: well there are many, but the one I want you guys to take away primarily – do not repress your feelings! Address them however feels best to you, some people voice out on the spot, others write – whatever works for you – find it! People, there’s no reason for anyone else to suffer what I did when Christ already made the ultimate sacrifice for you – you don’t have to carry any cross yo, He’s done it for you already!
Oh and – prayer is the Master Key 🔑 *DJ Khaled Voice*
If this post touched you & you want to talk to me privately please hit me up with an email: firstname.lastname@example.org ❤️