My belief in you creates the certainty that you are doing fine, but I sincerely don’t know if it is same with me since we last spoke. Yeah, I know I have been unfaithful in our relationship, but I also understand that you are a Merciful and Gracious Being. I decided to write this letter because it looks like my calls haven’t been connecting lately; perhaps I have been calling via the wrong number. I just hope I get a quick reply this time. Before anything, I would like to say thank you for not killing me yet; thank you for preserving me. Thank you for my friends and family, and thank you in advance for what you will do after you read this letter.
I know several others will get to read this letter, but I am not bothered. I can imagine someone telling me, “You don’t have the greatest problem in the world.” That is true. I am not just the type of guy that enjoys difficulties, whether big or small. I just have one need: happiness and that requires a lot of things being in place. However, I would like to confess my sins before presenting my requests. Forgive me for I have sinned: I did promise to stop drinking, but my friends won’t just help. I have been able to reduce my intake from 7 to 5 bottles of beer. I sincerely hope that can count for something, and make you come to my rescue. God, you created man in your own image, and I know you understand the part that explains sex as the sweetest exercise in all of creation. I am trying so hard to quit my daunting act of sleeping with different girls every week; compared to that, abstinence from alcohol seems to be very feasible.
Baba, I am counting on your Divine intervention. Don’t just forgive me, help me. It has gotten so bad that I even masturbate in the absence of anything in skirt, or anyone with ripe oranges upfront and onion booty; thanks to the half-naked ladies in musical videos claiming to be vixens. Awon omo wobe! Excuse my language; I am actually drunk right now.
Ehen, lest I forget, this week I made a huge profit for my company. I sold our products for a higher price; actually 50% higher than our selling price. I actually got a commission, but not on the 50%. I went complaining to Jide, but his “deeper life” doctrine won’t let him tell things the way they are. “You cheated that customer, ahn-ahn! Making excessive profit is bad, Tayo. Be modest!” he preached to me. He even called me a 419er. God, is that a sin too? I actually kept 10% of the profit for myself. Didn’t the Bible, your Word, say ‘the gift of a man will make way for him?’ Isn’t that why I am a sales rep? If that is a sin too, Baba, try and understand, abeg. It is not easy to be a man. I must look fresh, ball hard, and all these babes don exit surulere bus top tey-tey. Na money for hand, back for ground.
Baba God, I am not happy at all, you promised to always have my back but the way things are going it looks like you have left me to my own adversity. I need your help as fast as possible. I don’t mind if you send Jesus or angel Michael, just do something already. I am not just ready for this type of obligation, and it is making me sad. I am scared. I have sought advice from my mother and Charles, but their replies have left me even more confused.
My mum wants me to go to my boss and confess what I have done, how can I do that? That’s like adding fuel to a furnace.
“Tayo just terminate everything and run away. Even your appointment, you will get a better job,” Charles wrote in the concluding part of his mail to me.
I would have taken Charles’s advice but I haven’t found another job.
And how can I even agree to take the lives of the innocent? God, you could have just created me as a girl and save me from this inevitable shame brewing in the cloud above me. I would gladly switch places right now.
Mr. Idemili will definitely kill me when he finds out what I have done. God can you help calm him. Just this one time and I will change. Abi, how do I tell him that I am the one responsible for the pregnancy of his two daughters? Yeah, don’t blame me; You gave him a pair of identical twins. Osasu and Osato have killed me with their smoking hot bodies. You should know na, Baba, you created them! I swear I didn’t know I was screwing the both of them until last month. It was while I was “kpainshing” Osasu from behind with her waist bent towards mine that I realized she had a big birthmark Osato didn’t have on her waistline. I would never have found out otherwise.
Why didn’t I use condom? Oh dear God! Skin diving is the sweetest way. Actually I am used to the ultra slim durex condom; I just got carried away this time, actually two times for both ladies. And to think that they have the same sizes of assets, front, back, everything! I hope my erection isn’t about to send me to detention. Big stout and yoghurt won’t allow a man to fire and miss, no o, every shot must enter. I should consider switching to lager. No, I’ll just quit drinking. With Your help.
The bad thing is, each one doesn’t know I am involved with the other; I mean, I just call them Osas for short and they respond, so there has never been a clash of names or any other mix up. They both brought their pregnancy test results to me on Friday at different times. Charles thinks this is a war I shouldn’t wait to witness, and my mother says it is a blessing in disguise. Blessing from who? It can’t be You. The only thing I have asked for is a double promotion, not double trouble. I am going crazy already; I hope this doesn’t claim my life.
God, this is my supplication. Please help me this time and I promise to serve you forever. What do you think is happening to me? Should I terminate or embrace? What if they end up having two sets of twins? The blessing of the Lord maketh rich and addeth no sorrow unto it. This can’t be you; these are my father’s enemies at work. Do not let me walk this path alone, please send help as soon as possible, my heart is about to explode from this emotional Haram.
I hope to hear from you soon, thank you Sir.
This is chapter one of “Letters to God” written by Femi Fragile, come back next week for Chapter two!
In the mean time, you can read other stories by checking out FemiFragile.com .