I’m back, missed me? Don’t lie, I know you did. As I was saying – since I’m just continuing my thought process from last week – butterflies are beautiful, aren’t they? It just so happens that they’ve also got light feathers which helps them to fly (there you go with that sarcastic ‘oh! you don’t say’, humour me, will you?) but then they so easily get caught too because of it. There’s a butterfly I know that got caught in a hurricane, here’s its story:
.N.B. fiction or faction – I’m curious, are you? Try playing Adele – Can’t Let Go in the background to really set the mood.
It’s been an interesting year for you, hasn’t it? It was anything but boring for you, so was it for me too.
I started this year with hurdles right from the beginning, after which I had to move from my comfort zone into a whole new environment, kind of like when the Israelites moved in search of their promised land, I found a way to get in here, I thought it was a blessing but it came with a test, you.
I’m like the rain in the Spring, I find it easy to fall for people who seem like they’re genuinely interested in me, and at that time I thought you were. I can clearly remember the first time I saw you when I was with Karounwi*, you said I was pretty and I smiled, and you said my smile was pretty too, I bet you don’t remember that.
Then I had the fortune or misfortune of seeing you fight for your own, that made me curious I tell you, I wanted to know the human right activist, so the next time I ran into you, under the guise of saying “how do you do?”, we exchanged contact information and that was the beginning.
I remember the time you teased me that whenever I lied the trees moved because they were busy shaking their heads, I remember you telling me you wanted to be in my head so you could have first-hand information to what’s going on in there, I remember the night you said you has a surprise for me and you brought out a stick of sweet, you said ‘don’t ever say I didn’t get you anything’, I laughed so hard because I thought it was funny, little did I know that the stick sweet was the only good thing coming out of my encounter with you. I remember the night after the party when you took me to that place I lost myself in, the stars were beautiful and I saw one that reminded me of your confidence, your interest in me was elating for me who wore a facade of what your skin was made of; of course it was inevitable that I started feeling something more even when you warned me against it.
I can remember that night you went to your girlfriend’s house and I cursed you out for being such a jerk, you just laughed because you knew what was happening, it wasn’t your first time stealing a heart. After I did that, I called Crystal and told her I had feelings for you, she said she knew all along, she told me nothing good would come out of it and I should cut off communication with you, but I was too far gone and caught in a web of what I thought was love, although the voice in my head kept telling me that love shouldn’t be awakened until it pleased. I trusted you so much I let you in to silence the voice, do you remember any of this?
If only I had enough self control to have listened to Crystal what happened next wouldn’t ever have been an issue, you were the Wolf dressed in Granny’s clothing to my Little Red Riding Hood, but unlike her I knew exactly where you were taking me, yet I continued following and I got lost in Your Wood and gave you exactly what you wanted, didn’t I?
You didn’t even ask me out ’cause philosophy, my friends knew this and they tried to help me get out, but I just wanted you any way I could have you, the communication that drew me to you started to dwindle, I remember you telling me you were going to start seeing other girls, my heart broke in two but I knew I couldn’t do anything about it; I was the one in love, not you.
That was when the arguments started, I was jealous and that precipitated a lot of my actions, including walking out on you publicly, I can still remember that night, apologising to you profusely, and you were so angry, you told me to tell you my problem and because I couldn’t tell you that your being with other girls drove me crazy, I told you instead of my depression. I can never forget the scolding you gave me that night, you told me I wasn’t depressed, called me a failure amidst many other things you said. I knew you were right, because only a failure would want to talk to someone who’s ignoring her and pine after someone who’s obviously just using her.
I remember vowing to stop it there and then but there are things only loneliness can make one do, I remember talking to Faith about it and telling her to help me get over you, we both agreed that it wasn’t you, rather it was my fear of being alone and the attachment that came from you being my first. I was to leave you, I remember writing a letter to you about it, but then you told me to fight for you and I thought maybe you loved me in your own warped way, you always held me down with the talk that one day you’d make it up to me and you’d make me feel like a cherished princess, how I held on to that, trusting that you’d uphold your own end of the bargain; then you went away.
I was so happy when you left but a part of me wouldn’t let you go, so I kept in touch and for that period it wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t doing things that made me feel guilty. But then you came back, and like moth to flame I was drawn back. I stayed up most nights wondering how I’d gone from a girl with grounded ethics to making myriads of compromises; then came the news that you’d asked another girl out, I wasn’t even angry but I was sad, I thought back to when you used to talk to me the way you talked to her. I knew what we had or what we seemed to have was long gone and it was because you found me so easy to manipulate. I trusted you as my friend but I got more than I bargained for hence, I could not do it again. I couldn’t trust you or myself with you either, I decided that it was better if I just let go but man did I miss you, it also did not help that I felt alone, I cried and cried and eventually, I came back begging, like you probably knew I would, you told me that the next time I tried it, there would not be a hurricane to come back to, so I kept mum, I took in the silence, your friendship with her and the fact that you made me feel like your doormat.
Do you remember the poem I wrote you? I told you I wouldn’t give you what you wanted but that was me thinking I was strong, baby you told me that I’m the strongest person you’ve ever met, but my wanting to quit isn’t because the going got tough, it is because I can’t be a stronger me in this situation we’re in. Do you know why I fight and nag a lot? It’s because I can’t bring myself to trust you again, yes, call me selfish but I can’t love myself if there’s no self to love, what’s left when you’ve given away everything you think you are? I’ve always put you before me, I can’t do that anymore, I’m stained, call me a quitter, call me anything, give me the silent treatment, whatever, I can’t anymore, the strength you knew I had, I’m going to show it now, thank you for the ride, I’m growing up now.
This year has been interesting but it’s high time I moved on, I hope we can still say hi, but no more than that, it’s OK now for you to sleep at anybody’s house, it’s OK for you to be with your friends, it’s even OK for you to ignore me; It’s also OK if you don’t reply this letter.
For what it’s worth, I think I loved you, its the subject of trust or the lack thereof that got to me, plus the silence and the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to say hello unless I did first although you virtually live online. It was everything, thanks for the good times, it’s just that they were long ago; now it’s just arguments and silence, and I can’t do that anymore.
I’m sorry, I quit.
my mumu button.
Written by a butterfly, for butterflies xo