Have you ever thought you knew someone, their likes, their dislikes, their taste in different things and then they do a complete 360 on you and then you’re left standing there looking just a little less dumb than you feel, wondering where you missed it?
Hello good readers of this Monday column (if I haven’t bored them all away lol). So today I thought to talk about getting over someone, well because I’m in the process of getting over someone, (no not a romantic relationship, I’m not Taylor Swift). The weird thing about the situation is, I didn’t even see it coming, it just came out of nowhere really, which is probably why I’m still in the process of wrapping my head round it. You know when someone just ups and leaves without a reason, no explanation, no excuse just a statement that you’re more trouble than he/she could handle, it’s like sleeping off with your long hair intact and waking up to find yourself bald, in the words of that channel news presenter ‘I never hexperred it’. At first I couldn’t believe it, this is a person I’d actually walk an additional five for if he asked for just one, someone I thought I meant even just a bit of an inkling of a thing to, which explains my confusion about two things:
1. How randomly he left
2. How flimsy his excuse for leaving was
After trying to find out what the exact problem was and apologising even when I was wondering what it was that I was apologizing for, it seemed I was knocking on Noah’s ark after God himself had shut it. So I thought ‘girl, pick up yourself, stop wallowing and let go, this one is gone, sad stuff really but you can’t stop people from leaving’
Easier said than done yeah? I know it’s harder than that, I’m not a stranger to rejection, so I faced the hard truth which is that people just don’t up and leave for the sake of upping and leaving, they would have probably thought it over and over and over, at least I know I would. If someone doesn’t think you’re worth keeping around, he or she probably has reasons that are good enough for them not to want you around anymore, in other words, it’s not a testament to your worth as a human rather it’s a testament to who they are and what they want for themselves. It’s not you, it’s them, as cliché as it may sound and you can’t force someone to see why you’re more of a benefit to them than a thorn in their flesh so do your best to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find a way to make yourself better from the experience. As I mulled this over I thought about an email I received from a person I’ve always secretly admired (if there’s a movie like that write the actor’s name), although it’s about getting over a breakup, I think it can still be applied to a fallout, after all love is love, whether it includes attraction or not. It goes;
“1. Come to terms with the break up. If a part of you is still hoping that he’ll come and throw himself at your feet a changed man and you will live happily ever after, you’re never going to move on. You have to accept that it’s over. If you do get back together, that’s fine. But don’t put your life on pause.
2. Accept your faults and don’t forget his. It’s easy to want to play the victim, and lay all the blame on him. Doing that just keeps you stuck at a point. Accept that you may have done some wrong things to him and forgive yourself for that. On that note however, don’t take all the blame. If there were some things that he also did wrong, don’t forget them. We tend to let go of the bad memories and cling to only the good, and this might make you start idolizing him and asking why you let him go, but remembering some of the bad may help put the break up in perspective and remind you of why going back isn’t such a good idea.
3. Limit contact with him. You need to try and establish a routine without him. I’m not saying don’t talk to him at all, but if it can be helped, don’t text him randomly at 2AM because you were watching a movie and remembered that time you were watching a movie and he did that thing where… See where I’m going? Let your contact have a purpose.
4. Allow yourself to grieve. Yes, I said grieve. Going through a breakup, you might see yourself going through the 5 stages of grief. Allow it happen. It’s a natural process. Trying to suppress your emotions won’t make them any less real, And it might even delay you from moving on completely. You are allowed to be sad and mopey. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to be angry.
5. It is going to take time! You won’t move on completely in a week, or even a month. You loved this person, you shared a part of yourself with this person, so of course it will be hard. People always say “it gets better” and I hate hearing it because all that comes to my mind is “but I’m sad now, I don’t really care if it will EVENTUALLY be better ” . All I can say is, After a while, the crushing feeling in your heart when you see them lessens. It stops being the first thing you think about in the morning. And the last thing at night. the crying will reduce and eventually stop. You will find new ways to amuse yourself. You will find new people to talk to about all the random things that happen to you. You will move on.”
So that’s it from someone I’d like to consider a friend (one can only famz yeah), I could not have said it any better. I for one take rejection very hard, which is one of the reason I’m wary of relationships, I’ve had my share of fickle ones to last me a lifetime, maybe I will have room for more in my next life lol. The truth is there are different types of friendships and there are ones that are like fine wine, gets better with age, then there is coke, once you shake it, it fizzles out and you’re left with nothing. Some people will come into your life and find it a good spot to call home, others might not be that comfortable, so they visit once in a while, and there are others who can’t deal with what you’re offering, it’s just how humans are wired to be, so my tip for letting go will be to give yourself time, it’s always going to be on your side.