Tonight I woke up and I just could not go back to sleep, this happens more often than not these days… it’s like the thoughts swirling around in my subconscious simmers to a boiling point where it just sort of bubbles furiously and wakes me up, it then stays bubbling and refuses to leave me alone. I probably wouldn’t tell a soul, well not because I don’t want to, it’s because I don’t have a soul to tell and admittedly, it’s no one’s fault but mine. My default setting is usually to keep most people in my orange or red circle of trust, I could give the excuse of lacking in the social skills needed to keep friends (which is a really silly one I might add) but in the end excuses are just that, excuses.
I am nearing another phase of my life, maybe that’s why these thoughts, which have always been present, are now more concentrated. I am worried about gaps and holes I’ve left behind carelessly, opportunities that I have blatantly ignored and how these will affect my outcome, I am worried about relationships that I have failed to water and nurture, people I have failed to acknowledge, rash decisions I have made thoughtlessly and the toes that I have made floor mats for my feet.
I know that worrying about these things will no more solve it than water is more likely to turn to wine and I’m hard pressed to find a solution to it while hoping it is really not too late, do I just close the file on old relationships and focus on the ones I have left in my life? That will be the easier thing to do or do I try to rekindle old flames? How am I sure that these people are not more comfortable without me in their lives than with me in it? I am after all more of the stem of a rose than it’s beautiful petals. Do I just stick to my relationship with Google? It is after all everyone’s friend, lol, just kidding.
Right now all I have are questions upon endless questions, but I believe they are a start, if I have these many questions, then there’s got to be answers, don’t you think? I have no one else to rely on but me, but I’m afraid if I have to look further inside myself my head will literally have to invert itself into my neck. There’s a song I remember, the lyrics go something like this;
‘I am afraid to fail
So I won’t even try
But how can I say I’m alive’
I have always and constantly thought of ways to reinvent myself, after all you can’t pour new wine into old wineskins, I know I need a different method of doing things if I don’t want to keep getting the same old results. I have to let go of my fears that holds me down so resolutely, I have to try, even if it means there’s the possibility of failure because that’s what life is generally about, moving… no matter how slow or how painful, regardless of the number of times I step on landmines, I have to keep moving because there’s no room for stagnancy in this world of dynamics, only motion matters, if I keep moving regardless of any outcome, one day I’ll get it right. Maybe, just maybe, a fool at 40 can become wise at 41.
Tosin Akinro Gloria.