My name is FELA. My friends call me Mr Nice Guy. I am 5 feet tall.
People say I am dark in complexion but I believe my skin colour is chocolate. At least that is what I tell people.
I woke up feeling very alive and frisky this morning. I haven’t felt like this in a long while. Today is going to be a very good day I can feel it in my bones. I hopped in the shower and carefully scrubbed my body till I felt as clean as clean. I of course brushed my teeth but it felt more like I washed my mouth because I paid attention to every corner in my mouth, especially my tongue. I strolled into my room with my towel wrapped around my waist as I whistled to a Sam smith song titled “writing on the wall”. I really love the song. It was the soundtrack for a James bond movie titled “spectre” which I didn’t really like. The moment when the song came on was the best moment I had while watching the movie. I checked the time it was 10:00AM on the dot and I wanted to see a movie which was scheduled to show by 10:30AM…I was almost late and I wouldn’t want to miss any scene in the movie because I was a movie buff and every second missed in a movie felt like missing the birth of your first child or missing the opportunity to have a date with your long time crush who just acknowledged your existence after trying very hard to be noticed for years.
That was how serious it was to me. I hurriedly opened a can of baked beans and emptied it’s content into a ceramic plate. I accompanied it with 3 slices of bread and a cup of hot tea. The tomato sauce in the baked beans made it very yummy. Unfortunately I could not sit down to enjoy the food because I was almost late for the movie. It was already 10:10AM. I reached for my car key on the table and jogged down the stairs. I entered my Benz G Wagon SUV and started it’s engine, as I approached the gate I pressed a remote control and the gate opened of it’s own accord I always feel like Merlin anytime I do that. All thanks to technology. I drove very fast and made it to the mall at exactly 10:15AM . I hurriedly walked into the mall with the aim of buying the tickets just in time for the movie. As I was walking my eyes fixated on a pretty lady who was sitting alone at a corner. She was probably waiting for someone maybe her boyfriend. I walked passed her already but the lure of her eyes got to me she was too beautiful and she had a flawless skin. I thought to myself did she never fall down and hurt herself while she was a kid because her legs were spotless. I took a few steps further but made a u-turn. I must talk to this damsel I thought to myself. I walked up to her to strike a decent conversation but she greeted me with restrained enthusiasm. I didn’t let it discourage me from proceeding with the conversation. I asked for her name and she said her name was Anne. Luckily for me after a while she was a little more receptive and we had a rather smooth conversation for about 10mins.. OMG! I am late for the movie I thought to myself. I can’t see it again today but it was worth it I felt like a winner because I collected her contact details before we departed. I was sceptical about calling. I thought she was a little bit of a snub or she was playing the popular game of hard to get which sometimes gets me confused. After a few days passed I decided to buzz Anne on whatsapp and she replied me with so much enthusiasm which made me reconsider my earlier stance. I had a really nice time chatting with her and I felt we could make really cool friends. The next day at 11:21pm my mind wandered all the way to Anne. I felt the strong urge to talk to her. It was a little too late but I said to myself DAMN IT SHE MIGHT BE AN INSOMNIAC LIKE ME. I dialled her number and she picked up almost immediately. I was shocked a little because I had misgivings about her been awake. I heard her cute, relaxed and subtle voice say HELLO in a very low tone,apparently she was sleeping already. I thought to myself I just interrupted an angel’s sleep. she must be very tired after a long day’s work. so I offered to call her in the morning and she said okay in agreement.
When it was about 8:00am in the morning I woke up and the first thought I had on my mind was the thought of Anne. Why do I always think of Anne this much. I guess I’m in love. Can this be love? I don’t have the answer just yet. Time will tell if I’m in love. I picked up my phone and called Anne. It rang but she didn’t pick up. I dialed her number the second time still the same thing. She didn’t pick up. She must still be asleep. She is probably not one of those people that practice the early to bed early to rise maxim. I got ready for work because I had an appointment at 9AM with a music icon Don Jazzy, he is the owner of the popular record label Supreme Mavin Dynasty. I am the CEO of a song writing company and I have just the perfect song for one of his label mates, Korede Bello. I am very sure he will be convinced to buy the song after strategically presenting the song and explaining what every word and figurative expression in the song means. I can’t wait to present it to him because if he likes it (and I’m sure he would) he will pay a whooping sum of 20million Naira for it. That is how much we charge for a song like that – no negotiation. If by any chance he rejects the song I will approach his rival label headed by Olamide and sell it to them. Adekunle Gold will do a good job at voicing the song too. I don’t know which outfit to wear, I have been staring in my wardrobe for the past 5 minutes. I will just go with the new outfit Mai Atafo made for me and rock it with my new Omega constellation wrist watch.
I got to the office at exactly 8:45am and I hurriedly jogged up the escalator to the 3rd floor where my office was. As I was about to reach for the door my eyes strayed to my left and saw Anne, she was looking sad. I called out to her but she didn’t hear me, she was obviously lost in thought. So I rushed over to where she was and asked her what the problem was. She told me she just got robbed on her way to deposit a huge amount of money to the bank. Sadly, the money was not hers it was for the company she worked for.
There is fire on the mountain!!
I asked where she was headed and she said she was going to relay the story to her lawyer in case things blew out of proportion. She happened to be a client of the law firm that was in the same office complex as my office. I asked her if she had reported the case to the police and she said no. I strongly advised her to report the issue to the police as fast as possible. I even insisted on driving her to the police station. She agreed and I escorted her down the escalator and drove her to the police station. The D.P.O was a very good friend of mine so we were ushered into his office immediately we arrived at the station. She reported the case and scribbled down everything that happened. Her hands were vibrating as she wrote. She was very scared.
She was sweating right under the air conditioner. It looked like she was going to have a panic attack. I offered to drive her home, she could not even talk, she just nodded in agreement.
While driving, I checked my wristwatch it was 9:45am, Mogbe! I just remembered I was supposed to be in a meeting at exactly 9:00am. I picked up my phone and noticed that I had 99 missed calls on my phone my secretary had called me very many times. I dialled her number immediately to tell her to stall Donjazzy and his team but she told me that they stormed out of the conference room in annoyance. I will settle that one later I told myself all I cared about was to take Anne home safely. A thought suddenly struck my mind like lightening – is this Anne girl not bringing me bad luck? First she made me miss my movie, now I might have just lost a deal worth 20million naira. I condoned the thought for a while and later discarded it. Eventually She broke the silence and thanked me for my hospitality. I just smiled and said “you’re welcome”. I dropped her at the front of her gate, and she waved me good bye. I drove very fast like a maniac, all I could think of was getting to the office as fast as I could, I beat the traffic light more than twice, this isn’t the time to be a law abiding citizen, I need to go and settle the mess that I have created for myself. I am done playing MR NICE GUY. Suddenly I noticed a police van approaching through the side mirror of my car. My heart started beating as fast as Usain Bolt. At that moment I wished I didn’t beat the traffic light. The police van levelled up with my car, the driver looked at me and drove past me. Apparently they were not coming for me. Thank God! I slowed my pace and drove as a law abiding citizen till I got to the office. I can’t afford to be arrested now, that will delay me. As I hurriedly stepped into my office space, the look on my secretary’s face was unwelcoming it was that of disgust. If she was my boss she would have fired me on the spot and If she was my mother she would have knocked my head. Well thank God I am self employed. I am my own boss. she muttered “welcome sir” barely opening her mouth. I just nodded my head in reply. I went into my office and sunk into the chair. What am I going to do next? Let me try to call Don Jazzy. I dialed the number but he didn’t answer the phone. I made a resolve to keep on calling until he answers the phone but he still didn’t pick up. Coincidentally my other phone rang and my ring tone was “pick up” by Adekunle Gold. Mtcheew!!!! I just lost the chance to earn 20million Naira and I haven’t even paid the rent for my Lekki apartment which is 9 million naira per annum.
I don’t watch the news that much but I always stay abreast of the happenings in my country and in the world through Linda Ikeji’s blog. She is a remarkable and independent lady. She is my celebrity crush. I stumbled on a blogpost preaching against domestic violence and that reminded me of my gate keeper Bomboy. Bomboy is one shameless man who beats his wife. His wife incessantly complains that Bomboy hits and maltreats her every now and then. She came over yesterday with tears pouring down her cheeks like a 4 year old child that was spanked. Every effort I made to correct bomboy has proved abortive. I threatened to sack him the last time and he fell on his face begging me and swearing that he will never do it again. I now know what to do – I will report him to the right authorities. This despicable act of domestic violence must be stopped and perpetrators of this act should be duly punished. My phone rang while I was scrolling through Linda Ikeji’s blog. It was Anne that called, she told me that her company had eventually decided to settle out of court provided she paid half of the money that was stolen from her. She is lucky they are not pressing any charges against her. There was a awkward silence after she told me the supposed good news. I was wondering why she wasn’t talking again. Was she sad that they were not suing her? While I was trying to figure out why there was a awkward silence, she hit the nail on the head and told me that she needs my help with raising the remaining money. She told me she was only able to raise 5million Naira and she doesn’t know where else to go to ask for money. I asked how much the remaining money was and she said it was 30million naira.
She started crying on the phone. I felt immense pity for her. I told her I will see what I can do to help her but I didn’t promise her anything because I always like to keep to my promise. When she ended the call a strong feeling of responsibility encompassed me. I wish I could give her the money but I don’t have it now. I decided to borrow the money so I picked up my phone and called Mr Sasaeniyan. Mr Sasa Eniyan is a short pot bellied man in his late 40s, he is about the height of popular Nigerian rapper M.I, he is my estate neighbour. He is also a friend. This will be the first time I will approach him for monetary help. I have a good reputation with him, I hope he will lend me the money. My mind was burdened with the thought of how to help Annie raise the needed money.
Fela- “Hello sir, it is me Fela, please sir are you at home?
Mr Sasa Eniyan – “Yes”
Fela- “ermm I need to see you urgently”
Mr Sasa Eniyan- “Hope there is no problem?”
Fela- “No,not at all, I just need a little help from you.”
Mr Sasa Eniyan gave me 25million naira under the condition that I return the money in 3 months. I knew it will take a miracle to raise the 25million naira in 3months but I couldn’t stand the thought of Anne been incarcerated for a crime she didn’t commit. I even signed a promissory note to commit myself to the agreement. Immediately I left Mr Sasa Eniyan’s house I called Anne and told her I was able to borrow 25million naira on her behalf but she had to return 15million naira to me within the time frame of 3 months and I promised to shoulder the responsibility for the remaining 10million naira. She agreed to the term and started praying for me. The prayers flowed non stop like a running tap without control and it reminded me of the beggar I gave 500naira to in the traffic sometime ago. I told him not to worry but he wouldn’t just leave, He prayed for me for about 3 minutes before he left. Anne eventually stopped praying and told me she will come to my office to collect the money but I told her not to bother coming. I told her that I can just transfer the money to her account if she gives me a valid account number. In one minute she sent the account number to me via a text message. The account name was ADESOLA ADEYEMI , that made me uncomfortable for a while. Why would she use someone else’s account? Well, she must trust the person implicitly to use the person’s account number to collect such a huge amount of money. So I exterminated my suspicion and transferred the money. After 2 minutes Anne called to confirm that she had received an alert, the money was successfully transferred to the account. She again rained prayers on me and my whole generation. I felt profound gratification knowing I was of assistance to a pretty lady like Anne. For that moment I felt like Peter Parker. I stepped into the character of Spider-man trying to save Mary Jane when she was in trouble. She was my Mary Jane. It can be quite stressful but the gratification gotten afterwards is orgasmic. After the whole issue gets resolved I will ask her out on a date. I believe she will agree to go out on a date with me. It is the least she can do to repay me for my kindness. I wouldn’t even mind having a serious relationship with her after all she seems to be a very good person. All these thoughts lingered on my mind as I drove back home. On my way home I got stuck in a traffic jam, cars were moving very slowly at a snail’s pace. In times like this gratitude evaporates from my heart to the heavens that I have a fully air conditioned SUV and a banging sound system in it. This makes the Lagos traffic a little more tolerable. The traffic jam took about 3 hours of my already exhausted day. I got home very late at night. Immediately I entered my house I went straight to the fridge to pour myself a cold glass of palm wine, I gulped it as fast as I could and walked lazily to my room. I undressed myself and hopped in the shower to have a warm bath. After the refreshing warm bath I blotted myself dry, crashed into my bed and snored all the way till day break.
I called Anne on her birthday which was exactly two weeks after I borrowed her the money. But her number was reported to be non existent. I had planned a surprise outing for her. I tried her number the umpteenth time but still to no avail. I decided to drive over to her house to check on her. When I got there I met the gate firmly padlocked. I had a mixed feeling of worry and anger because I cancelled the whole day’s schedule. I decided to go to an exhibition tagged “Eko Moves” organised by a German trained fashion and advertising photographer Yetunde Babaeko. She is a very talented photographer with an impeccable taste. She tells a lot with her camera. While I was feeding my visual sense with the beautifully taken pictures hung on the wall my phone vibrated. It was a text message. I ignored it as I didn’t want anything to distract me from the exhibition. It crossed my mind that it could be Anne. When I brought out my phone to check the message I discovered that it was from an unknown number so I didn’t bother opening it. I noticed an usherette approaching with a tray of glasses of wine so I picked one glass and sipped it slowly as I strolled down the hall. I noticed one particular picture that got my attention, the detail and perfection of the picture made me remember Anne. It will have been really cool if she was standing by my side admiring this creative work of art. I decided to try Anne’s number again before I dialled her number I opened the message I received earlier.
It was a short but strongly worded message.
“Hello Mr Maga, thanks for the hospitality and the money. Don’t bother to find me because I can’t be found. Next time shine your eyes, especially if you are a big boy cruising around in a G wagon. this is Lasgidi. So Gidi up.” From Anne.
The glass of wine slipped from my hand and suddenly I started feeling light headed, I felt a sharp pain in my chest as my heart was pounding heavily. Before I could wrap my head around what just happened,
I BLACKED OUT!!!