PROBLEMS OF CONFLICT
The period of courtship is one that is more often than not fraught with challenges that vary from one couple to another. Courtship is not all together a friction-free time.
Though the partner is the will of God and there is assurance and peace in your heart ❤️, yet conflicts arise between the two of you. That you have conflicts during your courtship does not suggest that you are not consecrated or that your partner is not sanctified. It may only be an indication of the fact that you are two completely different individuals working at becoming one. And you know, this is no mean task.
If for instance, an angel (in his perfect state) marries a human being there would still be problems and heartaches. The angel will be too perfect for the human being, such that the human’s best conduct will be a horrible sight for the 😇 angel.
Corrections and maybe rebukes will come in very quick successions. They will be incompatible. Yet, he is an angel and the other person is a Christian, washed in the BLOOD of the LAMB(JESUS CHRIST). The truth is that they are very different from each other.
WHAT HAPPENS IN COURTSHIP?
Two people from different family backgrounds, having different levels of consecration come together with the goal of sharing their lives. At times, the partners in courtship are torn between the idea of their parents as well as their own ideas. It is like assembling the parts of an automobile and those of an aircraft together. They don’t quite fit.
There will be frictions.
The problems of conflict in courtship can be compounded. This happens when one of the partners or both of them are selfish, proud, harsh, or impatient. I know this fact might get you wondering. Can a Christian be selfish, proud, harsh or impatient?
The obvious answer is Yes. This kind of selfishness is stirred up by excitement and enthusiasm. When you meet for your normal discussions, each of you comes armed with a catalogue of questions. Out of excitement, each wants the other to keep quiet while he or she gets his or her questions answered. This is a selfishness. It can cause conflict.
Sometimes. It may be PRIDE. The brother does not want the sister to know that he is ignorant on some issues. He explains off every issue that is knotty to him as unimportant.
At some other times, it is the problem of HARSHNESS, IMPATIENCE and INSENSITIVITY to the need of the other partner that cause conflict.
UNWHOLESOME CRITICISM from either partner too causes conflict. Cold comment on late coming to your meetings also can cause conflict.
CONFLICTS CRUSHED:
These problems of conflict are to be faced and solved.
There are a lot of proven ways of resolving conflicts. I will explain some of them here.
The Pre-requite for resolving conflict in your courtship is the POSSESSION OF A MEEK, LOWLY and HUMBLE SPIRIT.
Be very honest with yourself and your partner.
Be transparently sincere. You must be willing to admit when you are at fault. In all humility, ask for forgiveness from your partner when you are wrong.
As much as possible, never HURT YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS or TAKE REVENGE ON YOUR PARTNER.
Respect, trust and admiration must abide between both of you.
Romans 12:17-18 KJV
“Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
When an offence is fresh and a desire to strike back comes to you, STOP!
Gracefully and carefully withdraw all statements and attitude that will aggravate the offence. You should go to pray and allow our LORD JESUS to help you regain your perspective and restore your self-control.
Whenever there is conflict, undermining who is wrong, whether you like or dislike to say it, whether it is convenient or inconvenient, you MUST learn to say “I FORGIVE YOU”. You MUST not only say this, but mean it as well. Don’t say it with a coarse and roaring voice. Say it with all the gentleness, and ❤️ Love that CHRIST used to tell Peter “Feed my sheep.”
Avoid outrageous and unrealistic demands. This leans towards selfishness. Such demands stretch the patience of your partner and eventually cause irritation.
GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION:
In all conflicts, you could ask yourself some questions before uttering some major and decisive statements.
Some possible questions at such times are:
1. Is what I am saying really true?
“Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.”
Ephesians 4:25 KJV
“He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
Proverbs 18:13 KJV
2. Is what I want to say going to profit my partner?
Will it help or hurt him/her?
“There is gold, and a multitude of rubies: but the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel.”
Proverbs 20:15 KJV
3. Is this the right time to say what I have to say? Or do I wait for a more appropriate time?
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
Proverbs 25:11 KJV
“A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!”
Proverbs 15:23 KJV
4. Is my attitude right?
“Let all your things be done with charity.”
1 Corinthians 16:14 KJV
“But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:”
Ephesians 4:15 KJV
5. Is my choice of words the best in putting the ideas I have across?
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.”
Proverbs 15:1-2 KJV
“The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips.”
Proverbs 16:23 KJV
6. Have I prayed about the matter and am I trusting God to help me in my communication?
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”
Psalms 19:14 KJV
You will find these questions rewarding if they are asked and answered before going into sensitive areas of discussion during courtship. But besides these general conflicts, there is the problem of getting into the heart a lady during courtship because by nature they are usually reticent during this period.
Why is this so?
Men, generally, are ignorant of certain issues in courtship. Ladies are very intelligent, observant and sharp. During courtship, they have seven unspoken questions. They don’t ask these questions. They ask another question which look irrelevant and at times nonsensical. These nonsensical questions are intended to trigger the man into giving answers to the unspoken questions.
The First of the likely unspoken questions is:
A. In what way does he respect me?
The lady, in her search for an answer to this question, would do all kinds of things to see the man’s response. She might deliberately be late for meetings. She might disagree on his choice of a tentative wedding date. His response and reaction are the answers to the unspoken questions, ” in what way does he respect me”
B. How does he esteem my parents?
C. How will he treat me after we are married?
D. Does he have a habit that irritates me? Is he willing to change?
E. Is he totally committed to God, His work, and His people?
F. How decided is he to wait until marriage before asking for close marital intimacy?
G. Why am I afraid to tell him who I am? Is he able to handle my personal, private affairs gracefully?
When these unspoken questions receive observable answers, the lady becomes happy, frank and co-operative. Certainly, you cannot know everything about a lady in courtship. All you do during courtship is to soften the ground of her heart. How do you then get the best in your courtship?
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
The going might not be too good in your courtship but if you trust the LORD all will be well in JESUS Mighty name amen🙏
GOD’S TIME IS THE BEST.
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
Isaiah 40:31 KJV
MARANATHA
Mrs Angelinah Olubunmi Peters
JESUS Is Alive In me
