Hello, hello, hello, it’s Monday again and of course time for butterflies to spread their colourful wings and fly. Before I start, let me tell you what I did this week, I cooked “Efo Soko”, I have no idea what the English name is, but it’s vegetable basically, it really looked good, so I snapped and sent to my friends, although my taste buds have been playing pranks on me lately – I kind of became more sensitive to heat and pepper and lost the ability to taste anything else – my feeling tells me it tastes as good as it looks (please keep your negative opinions to yourselves, thank you).
Fun fact: did you know that in ancient Japanese culture, butterflies were seen as the personification of a person’s soul and if a butterfly visits you, the person you must love was coming to visit you? Bet you didn’t know that. Which leads me to today’s topic, I think the soul is like the senate of the body, the decision making house, it’s where you decide what is right and what is wrong for you and yes, I think you could make decisions and still overrule them against the senate’s better judgement. Even the good book says the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart (which you can actually substitute for the soul, all them big words are just semantics) which means no matter how impulsively words drop out of your oral cavity, somewhere in your cerebral cortex the decision (rational or irrational) would have been made. To support that scientifically, talking is not a reflex action, there’s no such thing as talking from your spinal cord! (Even though that’s a one of the favourite jabs medical students give each other), the same with behaviour, in other words, y’all (including yours truly) are responsible for your actions, and that’s what I want to do today, take responsibility for my actions.
I’ve been found guilty of something lately, not being honest except when I’m writing, I’m very terrible at expressing what or how I feel especially to another person mostly because trusting is a big issue for me and also because I’m scared of their judgement, which makes me very secretive about my life and sometimes makes me feel very alone, sometimes it scares me because when I need to be saved from myself, no one knows enough to do the saving, which just leaves me to spiral down into self destruction. I’ve a terrible habit of doing the easy thing instead of the right thing and I’ve let myself down more times than I can count because of it, but it’s like with each decision my senate doesn’t agree with, the voice of reason in my head becomes quieter, that might also be due to my own effort in trying to silence them by listening to loud music, visiting friends and just going about cracking dry jokes. So I’m going to use this post to tell myself sorry.
I’m sorry that I give you too little credit and underestimate you at every turn, I’m sorry that sometimes you let yourself go and other times you come down hard on yourself, I’m sorry that I let your insecurities get the best of you and you bow to your fears more often than not, I’m sorry you prefer to live in the shadows and confusion plagues you anytime you’re told that you’re meant for great things because you just don’t see what other people see about you. I’m sorry that you think the best of you has gone with the past and so you continue on this wide path to soul mutilation and self destruction. I’m sorry about school, indecision and failed exams, I’m sorry that dad and you are constantly at loggerheads, I’m sorry you think mom might just never understand, I’m sorry about him, heartbreaks and deliberate mistakes, I’m sorry about the secrecy and distrust and fear that have become your sisters.
You see love, it is not your fault, never has it been your fault, rather it has been mine, I don’t know when the seed was sown but the root of fear is as entangled as the cardiac veins around your heart, and it gave the strength for your heart to pour out passivity and self loathing no wonder you had to evolve a tough as nails exterior and thicker skin, after all, the strong survive and the weak die off. The pitiful thing about that theory is that in fighting to survive, you’ve forgotten how to live, you’ve actually become so used to your lies and excuses that you’ve started to believe them. Maybe it was meant to be, you say, maybe there isn’t anything more to life than this flat line, maybe nature is so mad at you for existing that you’ve got to lay low and wing it till you leave planet earth.
It’s high time you stopped lying boo, it’s time to stop giving excuses, it’s time to shed your fears and stand up, it’s time to live, it’s time to conquer, it’s time for your freedom, it’s time to let go and like a butterfly, it’s time to fly!
N.B. This piece is for butterflies with broken wings, it’s a mixture of raw truth and some embellishment, if this is like looking into a mirror, know that you’re not alone, I’d love to hear from you, and you can reach me on admin’s mail or my personal mail firstname.lastname@example.org, I’m interested in your stories and healing processes, I’ll leave these eternal words from John Mayer’s song say with you;
Have no fear for giving in,
Have no fear for giving over,
You better know that in the end it’s better to say too much,
Than never to say what you need to say again.